No time to change.

So the weekend made me realize that some things need to change. Can't keep going like this. This is what makes mediocre people more mediocre. Things like this.

I came home tonight at 10:15. I talked with my dad till about 12:30. Now what I had planned on tonight, was doing laundry so I could wear somthing clean tomorrow. and clearing off a space on my desk so I could have a spot to read and write at. That didn't happen at all because I was catching up with my pops, and really just having a good conversation. (which doesn't always happen, sometimes he just talks about random stuff and I fall asleep)

Now this is my manifesto: That in the choice between clean laundry and my father, I will always choose my father. And If that girl next to me in class thinks I smell funny, she is just going to have to deal with it.

Painfully aware of failures.

Everynight I shove all the dirty laundry off my bed, set my alarm and say to myself that I will, in fact go to school and finish out the semester.

I also have been sorting through all kinds of biases I have. With certain aspects of the church for example. Why do I think worship music is so lame? Is it because I am out of touch with many of the feelings and things they say to God? Or is it because I am a massive music snob... And I HATE the way they sugar coat, deep, meaningful words of faith into little, digestable, dandies, that you can hum along to and clap along to, and forget along with the rest of jingles in your head. And am I, (as I suspect I am) missing out on things my Creator is trying to tell me because I am too busy sorting through all these biases, to actually listen to Him? Or is this all too compartamentalized? The church life tells me that God only speaks during 1) Sermons or 2) Worship services. And that most certainly isn't true. And I really do need to sort through all these biases in order to find out if certain things are actually wrong, or if they really do minimize Christianity into a pale reflection of what it actually should be. I mean, these aren't exactly bad things to be thinking about.

I am also, as the title suggests, VERY aware of many things that I am doing VERY wrong. Not the same big mistakes I made last year, but little new ones. I feel like im changing in good ways at times, but in the same day, or hour, I'll do something obviously wrong. I feel very black and white. Very right and very wrong.

And its very un-comfortable.

Winning at introspection, Losing at life.

Seeing as my blog has changed dramatically the last two posts, I feel the need to clarify some things. I am definitely not trying to preach, or teach, anyone anything. My thoughts on the Bible, or friendship or whatever, I don't really premeditate. I get what I'm thinking about in m head, and then start writing. It sort of helps sort it all out. After I write, I read it over and over again for days. It sort of helps me look at what I am or what I am (or was) thinking about more clearly.
Now the reason I post it on here, for all to see, is that I want all of my friends to know what I was thinking right then. I like the fact, that if I see you somewhere and we all hang out, and the conversation stays supercifial, or just casual, that you could go home and read something that I wrote thats not me talking about how good I look in these new pants. (dont you all just get sick of hearing that?) or about the last cd(s) I bought, or about how Jesse Smith's new band GODS's debut album is produced by a member of Scarlet. (does anyone really care Tom? No!)

Now the idea is not to seperate two different sides of me, serious and joking, but just to provide an outlet for my rants, or my introspective freaking musings.

Not that anyone was really criticizing my recent posts, but I know it's kindof weird and can seem fake, or pretentious here and there. But whatever. Muse on.

Unity isn't easy.

I was reading the Bible lately and found this:

(1 Cor 12)
14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.

I would like very much sometimes, to justify my grudges, and my problems with the various character flaws of my various friends. I have a habit of instead of working through things with friends, to just push them away until whatever they did to hurt me stops. Or until any awkward, or angry feelings dissolve. Then they can come back. The problem with this is threefold.

1) It never addresses problems head on, and never deals with issues with friends.
2) It prevents many relationships from growing more.
3) If the friend is a fellow Christian, I actually shut out a part of the body of Christ.

Imagine if the eye, out of hurt, or anger, just decided to ignore the foot, and not communicate with him anymore. The foot would soon end up getting stubbed, or stepping on something sharp without the eye to guide him. But both the foot and they eye would feel the pain. In fact the pain would shoot through the whole body.
I have a couple of examples of this. I had a Christian friend who I lost contact with a while ago. During that time, I found out he was involved in a bunch of sinful, and dangerous things. That hurt. To know that maybe if i hadn't lost touch with him, if I had kept him close, he might have made other choices. Many times we don't know what we mean to eachother. Guys especially are notorious for not telling other guys how much they value them. To me, losing touch with this person was a natural conflict of interest, that resulted in us not hanging out anymore. It wasn't a big deal, and to be honest I didn't even miss him that much. But to him, who knows? Was it a slap in the face? Was it rejection from a Brother who was supposed to be there for him? (probably)
Christians need eachother. We need eachother far more than we know. Me losing contact with my old friend may have been like the eye not talking to the foot. Without good, Christian brothers and sisters there for us, we fall. And without the courage to work through things with my friends, to talk to them about crap, or even to correct them, I will injure the body, over and over again.


21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.
(1 Cor 12)

You put in alot of work to get good friends.

Its not easy to get through all the formalitys, and small talk, to actually get to know someone, and then to actually agree with, or relate to, or like them. I've been thinking about my friendships lately, because many of them have changed. Certain people have fallen off my map lately. Some of this is due to a new job, working evenings, and college. But thats just the surface. Different things in me are changing and I'm actually watching different relationships fade out, as others fade in. Some of them I don't mean to fade out. Others I do. There are alot of things Im trying to do lately. One of them is become more honest. The other is not put up with the wrong. And by the Wrong, I mean many things. I mean me laughing at jokes that poke fun at my creator, my savior, and my brothers and sisters. I mean watching someone pick on someone else, make fun of someone, or generally be a jackass. And also to go along with, and to form myself to others I'm around.
This is never easy. One of the things I love about my friends is that throughout time, we've worn a nice groove in our relationship. When we hang out, we know what will make eachother laugh, we know where we dissagree, and usually avoid those areas, we know what parts of us the other will accept, and which parts he will not, or won't understand. And so we stay, within what we've always known. I've noticed that how a relationship starts matters alot in how it will grow. With the friends I made in highschool I have a hard time moving on from who I was when we first met, or what our usual pattern was back then. We made our own path back then, and now that I have changed somewhat, theres an awkwardness between who they very well know I was, and who I think and beleive I am, or I am going to be. Im glad that many of my highschool friends have changed along with me, and grown in good ways.
Still, I do find alot of tension between who I want to be and what I want to say, and where the path in all my friendships leads. Its very hard to go off the familar topics, and boundarys. But in very small ways, Im starting to go off beaten paths, and start to mark out new ones. Its not much, but I feel good about different situations where I've stepped out. I have alot to say, and I'm tired of not saying any of it.
This isn't a "from this moment on, I swear to ect. ect" kind of thing, but this is how I feel, and what I'm thinking right now. something I normally don't write about.
Theres alot of relationships changing around here too. New friendships and groups are forming here and there, and people are sort of sorting themselves out. Romance has struck here and there and relationships are popping up again. The problem with new feelings for someone, is that it becomes harder to stay close to your other friends. I remember when 6 of our friends all paired off in youth group a while ago. They all dropped off the map for a good while. Heck I certainly did when I was in a relationship. Its the same with new friends. I've made some new ones and I found myself forgetting about my best friends to go hang out with them. What I'm trying to say, is its a shame we can't all just hang out together and be the family we were again. Not that I'm not a part of that, I'll admit to being responsable to a large part of the split. I can be a very bitter, hurtful guy. And when old friends and old feelings stab, instead of dealing with the problem, or the feelings, I often run the other way. Usually swearing all the way. Not the christian brother I would like to be at all. But it has happened. And new friends seem like the perfect antidote. No strings attatched, they don't know who I was, only what I tell them about me. The "honeymoon" of a new friendship (and I mean that VERY metaphorically) is always more exiting than the day to day misunderstandings, or old feelings or arguments coming up among older friends. Sometimes Im quick to forget how long my friends have been there for me. And I mean been there. Even when I was a complete jackass, or was obviously really screwing up, they were more or less patient with me. And their still here.
I have a very large moral compass inside me. I try to ignore it alot of the time, but when it comes down to it, I want to do whats right. Not just that though, I sometimes (though they be rare) want to do whats the Rightest Right. (now im making up words) And many times I look at others and am quick to analyze and judge what their doing. Thats easy, but when I turn what i see them doing wrong on me, it makes me much more uncomfortable. How could I talk to anyone about what I think about their relationship with so and so, when my relational history is filled with mistakes, that I was well aware of at the time? I've done the same or worse so many times, how can I judge? In fact the reason I am doing anything right presently has more to do with my pastor beating wisdom into me weekly, and my parents constant advice. Which is very humbling.

To end, I'm sorry I let friends fade. Im sorry I run from alot my problems.
and Im sorry I hold back.

So according to Russo, Woven Hand's new album comes out Nov. 2nd.

According to Jason Morehead (from opuszine.com), its really good.

here is a nice review of the album ("Consider the Birds") (also check out the reviews of The Arcade Fire, and Liz Janes, which are also interesting.)

Last night, Delusions of Adequacy, (one of my favorite online music zines) put on a show with a couple bands. It was at the Visual Studies Workshop, which turned out to be this ancient building that had a bunch of political documentary videos playing upstairs. Anyways, I was happy because I got to meet the guy who runs the site I visit EVERY DAY. (Because it reviews Five, yes five albums a day you fools) Unfortately there weren't many people there. I noticed that at the begining, but torwards the end, the quality of the music rose significantly, and it became a crime that more of my friends weren't there. I had no idea. I would have dragged more people there had I known. The openers were two little folk groups. They were alright, I was down with the lap steel and the whistle bridge that the band Hula provided. But then Saeta got on, and blew everyone away. Well they blew me and Joel away anyways. The band is a pianist, a celloist, and a guitarist, which gives them a unique sound from the get go. They were older than I expected, and have been playing together for five years. Their sound was rich, beautiful adult pop. Adequacy said "chamber pop music" but I like adult pop. They were able to conjur up feelings, and intensity I haven't felt in a live show since Unwed Sailor and frigging Ester Drang at Cornerstone. Absolutely fantastic. I told them that afterwards too. Then came the shocker of the evening. Tarantula. A band that sounded tame on the samples on the internet, but after the first song, me and Joel knew the truth. They don't play games. The band was a four peice, drums, guitar, violin, and cello. The guitarist and the celloist had a slew of effects pedals, which they used to actually enhance their music in interesting ways, rather than obscure it, or endulge in some unlistenable, artistic, feedback laden experiement. The drummer played a ton of other instuments, notably the glockenspeil, sometimes simotaniously with his drums. (which, yes, was sick.) The band's actual sound was a strange mix of classical, and progressive rock, with a lil math-rock thrown in here and there. They were all over the place, adding extra beats where shouldn't be, trading melodies between the violin, guitar, cello and glockenspeil. Starting polyrythmic showdowns between a cowbell, handclaps, and drums. Just in general doing everything right and nothing wrong. I was instantly pissed off that I hadn't dragged my friends here against their will. It really was, me and Joel later decided, one of the best shows we have ever seen in Rochester. Stuff like this just usually doesn't happen round here. There was a point during the night, where Racheal, was leaving and Joel either had to go or I would have to drive him home. I told him i would drive him, not realizing the sickness of Tarantula that we were about to see. Afterwards I told him that had I not agreed to drive him home later, and had seen Tarantula alone, it would have been have been the end of our freindship. How could I look at him again knowing that I held him back from that? Luckily I didnt. Luckily I only have to work for 3 hours this morning. I'll see you all later.

Forget what you thought you heard.

This post is for Paul Scota.

So there is a group called the Kleptones, I dunno if you heard em or not, but their four guys who do mash up albums... anyways they'd mashed a ton of Queen songs together with random Hip Hop songs and I couldn't find your email address so I figured Id let you know.

This stuff is hysterical.

the songs aren't edited, and i havent heard em all, so unless your a fan of Queen, and have a good sense of humour, or you are Paul, I wouldn't suggest it.

alot of the tracks are instrumental intros for other songs, so check out the see.mp3 (its grandmaster flash I think.) and the stop.mp3 (lil flip, its so funny)

Give Us Atlantis

I believe that one day I'll pick an unusually large flower, hold it in the air, and watch the pedals be plucked away by the wind. And the instant the last pedal is picked from the stem, the dopest of beats will drop, and echo throughout the surrounding hills and valleys.

That the ground would crack, and split before the kick and snares syncopated beatings. That underneath the ground would be pools of rushing water, surging and frothing to the beat. Darkness would fall on the fourth measure, and the stars would come out in time to the snare. That the thundering rhythm would summon every one of my friends, dressed in gray robes. They would surround a pool of water, and one by one dive into the deep. That I would be the last of them, taking up the rear, in a train of the people I love, swimming to our new home.

Its the little things baby.

Like that Gillette Aftershave Lotion you just applied to your cheeks, yes that feels great.

And that brand new shirt that Roberto gave you to wear at work, yes the one with your name embroidered on the front in cursive, with the three buttons, and the gray colour stylings.

The way it wraps about your torso like so. The way you muss up your hair and pose with the mop in the bathroom. With the broom in the storage closet. Or with no accessory at all, alone, just you and your tight gray polo shirt. In the dining hall, underneath the chandelier

Paul Scota

Get Ready To Feel Again.

The long white tablecloth hid me well as I enjoyed every lucious bite of its pink, frosted, vanilla pudge. Mrs. Fensen fussed and looked everywhere for it. Susie and Billy tried looking under the car, in the house, and even in the street.

This sucker is all mine.

The joy of the Lord is my strength, not flirtatious smiles.

Money matters so much to America. We have already built that Idol, now the church wants to help us "manage" it. "If you could not sacrafice to that Idol as much as the rest of the world, or maybe just not as often, then your doing fine."

Join in the discussion

Stop staying up late.

BadaRuski: What up T-rock?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: j bone is buuilding chill p rocks in my grill stones
BadaRuski: what's up, thomas?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: im bout to go do some homework andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: what are you doing?
BadaRuski: I'm gonna go to sleep and wake up painfully early
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: dang andrew that doesnt sound too good
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: but i may just join you in that early waking up thing
BadaRuski: no thomas it certainly doesn't
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: not because i want to
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: but because I can
BadaRuski: ahh I see
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: and thats good enough for me andrew, thats just good enough
BadaRuski: a volition of the will, as it were
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yes, you old coot, what else?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: im no baboon
BadaRuski: just doing some reading
BadaRuski: for school
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: haha
BadaRuski: tom?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yes ive heard of this school
BadaRuski: really?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: im enrolled too apparently
BadaRuski: who is it?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: in a few classes
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: it is a collection of rooms i hear
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: with all sorts of old hats farting about
BadaRuski: seriously who is this?
BadaRuski: have you been getting in wine again?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: philosophical baboons and gamers alike
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: they all join in this commune
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yea im in a rather tired mood
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: the kind that makes me stupid
BadaRuski: tell me something only tom would know?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: rather than the other kind that makes me sexy
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: hmm
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: joy electric played synthesizers on the new squad five o record
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: entitled "fast news breaking"
BadaRuski: I have no idea if that's true
BadaRuski: what rc sproul book is tom currently reading?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: the mystery of the holy spirit
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: aha i am he!
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: behold me
BadaRuski: ah ha
BadaRuski: at long last
BadaRuski: you have returned
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yes andrew
BadaRuski: we're such losers
BadaRuski: so today
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yes andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: do go on
BadaRuski: I almost made sam squirt beef out her nose
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: oh mercy!
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: thats incredible andrew
BadaRuski: she started laughing while eating a beef burrito
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: oh man
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: i owe you a sam adams
BadaRuski: you need some freaking sleep
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yea
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: sam adams owes me one too andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: its all over town
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: the posters, the sham
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yea thats it for us
BadaRuski: have you been getting into the family wine again?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: ive been fixing too for some time, but the baggy dodger keeps up in the shaft
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: the air shaft of course!
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: man
BadaRuski: he's been rodgering the fishwife, eh?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: in a fatherly manner andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: but non the less yes.
BadaRuski: you're saying Jim has been leading cows into and out of the barn?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: Whofore? james?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: not for a brass penny
BadaRuski: he's committed to the wholesale program then?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: hmm... he has missed a few meetings lately
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: but its up 2 percent since the last
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: speaking of which
BadaRuski: ahh, so his material wan't wasted on foreign investors.
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: im going to eat a large chimicchanga and smoke a large bloated fat one
BadaRuski: smoke several
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: how do you feel about that statement andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: aha you have bested me by replying befroe me
BadaRuski: or take them apart and turn them into one big one
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: fair game andrew
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: i will do both or neither
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: but the first
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: well you only live once right?
BEAUTIFUL TOMBO: yours truly, Thomas Michealangelo Lake
BadaRuski: well played

we'd beat the answers out of their high browed foreheads until they spilled out onto the floor, and like some mad pilgrims, dancing on grapes in a winepress, we would toss our bodies about, sending the liquid splashing onto their slacks.

We would hold such dangerous meetings, we would pull out all the stops. We would let the bus roll down the hill, Into a wall, into a pond, into the blasted city for all we care.

I would bend it backwards



I'll shimmy up this flagpole just the same. Swat down them birds as they fly by. Let them taste gravel just the same as me. In my shoes, making blisters on my feet.
I'll give it to their beaks, breaking and balancing.

if i had my way I would wrap my arms around you. Until you turned to salt, and me to pale stone. Until everyone could see what I've done to you.

Paul Scota is back.

get ready to feel again.

A mystery has emerged from the strange organism that is the internet.

Just now I checked my email, and I got an email from myself. From my address. I didnt remember sending myself a letter so I opened it. all it said was:

aaazzzaaazzzaaazzzaaazzz

and thats it.

I checked when it had been sent and it had been sent (creepy part) Four minutes ago. Paul Scota and Joel Dow were both here tonight... and Andy too...but I was with them when they were online. Who the heck sent this? Four minutes ago?
I will not sleep well tonight.
No I totally will...

God is bigger than the boogie man.

ps. if anyone has any "clues" as to who sent this, please comment.