You put in alot of work to get good friends.

Its not easy to get through all the formalitys, and small talk, to actually get to know someone, and then to actually agree with, or relate to, or like them. I've been thinking about my friendships lately, because many of them have changed. Certain people have fallen off my map lately. Some of this is due to a new job, working evenings, and college. But thats just the surface. Different things in me are changing and I'm actually watching different relationships fade out, as others fade in. Some of them I don't mean to fade out. Others I do. There are alot of things Im trying to do lately. One of them is become more honest. The other is not put up with the wrong. And by the Wrong, I mean many things. I mean me laughing at jokes that poke fun at my creator, my savior, and my brothers and sisters. I mean watching someone pick on someone else, make fun of someone, or generally be a jackass. And also to go along with, and to form myself to others I'm around.
This is never easy. One of the things I love about my friends is that throughout time, we've worn a nice groove in our relationship. When we hang out, we know what will make eachother laugh, we know where we dissagree, and usually avoid those areas, we know what parts of us the other will accept, and which parts he will not, or won't understand. And so we stay, within what we've always known. I've noticed that how a relationship starts matters alot in how it will grow. With the friends I made in highschool I have a hard time moving on from who I was when we first met, or what our usual pattern was back then. We made our own path back then, and now that I have changed somewhat, theres an awkwardness between who they very well know I was, and who I think and beleive I am, or I am going to be. Im glad that many of my highschool friends have changed along with me, and grown in good ways.
Still, I do find alot of tension between who I want to be and what I want to say, and where the path in all my friendships leads. Its very hard to go off the familar topics, and boundarys. But in very small ways, Im starting to go off beaten paths, and start to mark out new ones. Its not much, but I feel good about different situations where I've stepped out. I have alot to say, and I'm tired of not saying any of it.
This isn't a "from this moment on, I swear to ect. ect" kind of thing, but this is how I feel, and what I'm thinking right now. something I normally don't write about.
Theres alot of relationships changing around here too. New friendships and groups are forming here and there, and people are sort of sorting themselves out. Romance has struck here and there and relationships are popping up again. The problem with new feelings for someone, is that it becomes harder to stay close to your other friends. I remember when 6 of our friends all paired off in youth group a while ago. They all dropped off the map for a good while. Heck I certainly did when I was in a relationship. Its the same with new friends. I've made some new ones and I found myself forgetting about my best friends to go hang out with them. What I'm trying to say, is its a shame we can't all just hang out together and be the family we were again. Not that I'm not a part of that, I'll admit to being responsable to a large part of the split. I can be a very bitter, hurtful guy. And when old friends and old feelings stab, instead of dealing with the problem, or the feelings, I often run the other way. Usually swearing all the way. Not the christian brother I would like to be at all. But it has happened. And new friends seem like the perfect antidote. No strings attatched, they don't know who I was, only what I tell them about me. The "honeymoon" of a new friendship (and I mean that VERY metaphorically) is always more exiting than the day to day misunderstandings, or old feelings or arguments coming up among older friends. Sometimes Im quick to forget how long my friends have been there for me. And I mean been there. Even when I was a complete jackass, or was obviously really screwing up, they were more or less patient with me. And their still here.
I have a very large moral compass inside me. I try to ignore it alot of the time, but when it comes down to it, I want to do whats right. Not just that though, I sometimes (though they be rare) want to do whats the Rightest Right. (now im making up words) And many times I look at others and am quick to analyze and judge what their doing. Thats easy, but when I turn what i see them doing wrong on me, it makes me much more uncomfortable. How could I talk to anyone about what I think about their relationship with so and so, when my relational history is filled with mistakes, that I was well aware of at the time? I've done the same or worse so many times, how can I judge? In fact the reason I am doing anything right presently has more to do with my pastor beating wisdom into me weekly, and my parents constant advice. Which is very humbling.

To end, I'm sorry I let friends fade. Im sorry I run from alot my problems.
and Im sorry I hold back.