Despair, baby.

I am still uncomfortable. I go to bed at night kicking and screaming inside. I am rarely satisfied with my day, or with what I am becoming. This could be because I am very critical of myself, but there is alot to be critical of. I've found a lot of selfishness, lust, and hypocrisy in every corner. But I am very glad I did, because otherwise I would be running around trying to ignore it all some more. And thats just no good. Its very easy to recognize the wrongs of others, but to recognize and admit the wrongs I've done or the wrongs I am doing, well thats different.

Lets not waste tomorrow again. Lets kick it in it's teeth.

All friends, Unite! (Oh!)

So here is my idea.

I would like very much for everyone who happens to read this to participate by writing something about themselves, in this format. I'll demonstrate.

My name is Tom Lake.
And I am eating Pumkin Pie Ice cream.

No time to change.

So the weekend made me realize that some things need to change. Can't keep going like this. This is what makes mediocre people more mediocre. Things like this.

I came home tonight at 10:15. I talked with my dad till about 12:30. Now what I had planned on tonight, was doing laundry so I could wear somthing clean tomorrow. and clearing off a space on my desk so I could have a spot to read and write at. That didn't happen at all because I was catching up with my pops, and really just having a good conversation. (which doesn't always happen, sometimes he just talks about random stuff and I fall asleep)

Now this is my manifesto: That in the choice between clean laundry and my father, I will always choose my father. And If that girl next to me in class thinks I smell funny, she is just going to have to deal with it.

Painfully aware of failures.

Everynight I shove all the dirty laundry off my bed, set my alarm and say to myself that I will, in fact go to school and finish out the semester.

I also have been sorting through all kinds of biases I have. With certain aspects of the church for example. Why do I think worship music is so lame? Is it because I am out of touch with many of the feelings and things they say to God? Or is it because I am a massive music snob... And I HATE the way they sugar coat, deep, meaningful words of faith into little, digestable, dandies, that you can hum along to and clap along to, and forget along with the rest of jingles in your head. And am I, (as I suspect I am) missing out on things my Creator is trying to tell me because I am too busy sorting through all these biases, to actually listen to Him? Or is this all too compartamentalized? The church life tells me that God only speaks during 1) Sermons or 2) Worship services. And that most certainly isn't true. And I really do need to sort through all these biases in order to find out if certain things are actually wrong, or if they really do minimize Christianity into a pale reflection of what it actually should be. I mean, these aren't exactly bad things to be thinking about.

I am also, as the title suggests, VERY aware of many things that I am doing VERY wrong. Not the same big mistakes I made last year, but little new ones. I feel like im changing in good ways at times, but in the same day, or hour, I'll do something obviously wrong. I feel very black and white. Very right and very wrong.

And its very un-comfortable.

Winning at introspection, Losing at life.

Seeing as my blog has changed dramatically the last two posts, I feel the need to clarify some things. I am definitely not trying to preach, or teach, anyone anything. My thoughts on the Bible, or friendship or whatever, I don't really premeditate. I get what I'm thinking about in m head, and then start writing. It sort of helps sort it all out. After I write, I read it over and over again for days. It sort of helps me look at what I am or what I am (or was) thinking about more clearly.
Now the reason I post it on here, for all to see, is that I want all of my friends to know what I was thinking right then. I like the fact, that if I see you somewhere and we all hang out, and the conversation stays supercifial, or just casual, that you could go home and read something that I wrote thats not me talking about how good I look in these new pants. (dont you all just get sick of hearing that?) or about the last cd(s) I bought, or about how Jesse Smith's new band GODS's debut album is produced by a member of Scarlet. (does anyone really care Tom? No!)

Now the idea is not to seperate two different sides of me, serious and joking, but just to provide an outlet for my rants, or my introspective freaking musings.

Not that anyone was really criticizing my recent posts, but I know it's kindof weird and can seem fake, or pretentious here and there. But whatever. Muse on.