Honesty has caught up with me.

I talk about God like He's not even there. Like he's not in the room. Like He can't read my Blog. I've sort of reduced Him to being real only when I think He is, and omnipresent, only when I'm aware of Him.

The only way I can get it in my head, that God is actually in the same room with me, is if I slowly turn my head, and imagine him in a certain place.

In the corner by the door. Down the hall. At the top of the stairs.

Last week, I did this for the first time, and for a split second, I beleived God was really there.

The actuality of God is something that is slowly dawning on me. He actually is there. No really. I know this is profoundly simple, but before I can know God, I need to know He's around. I need to beleive in Him as much as I beleive in the people He created, because currently, I don't. I think Jim is more real that He is. Just because when I talk to Jim, Jim talks back, right away, and in my language. And when I open my eyes, Jim is frigging visible. Its sad, but I need to first treat God like a person, (which is obscene!), before I can treat Him like the Creator of the Universe. Its like I have to work up to that or something. I just can't handle omnipresence right now. Not that I'm trying to limit God. God is still God. Its just now, I got a glimpse of Him being as real as Jim.

Now what would happen, if I were live like God is as real as Jim?

I went to church today.

It has been over a month, due to work, since ive gone, and it was a bit of a culture shock. I've been struggling with my faith lately. Well not really with my faith, I belive in Christ, and that he is the Son of God, so that parts good. But still, I have many, many, nagging questions in the back of my head that I want answers for. Alot of them have to do with church. Why do we do worship the way we do? why do we have the sermon a certain way? Why does my church have such a redicuously large facilty? Why are so many christians, seemingly detatched from this world, and utterly un-relatable? How come the Christian Church has become comercialized, and made pretty, and happy, and self-contained?

Tangent: I beleive that one of the reasons, that so many twenty somethings run from the faith that they once had, is because they had a shabby, christian bubble constructed for them. That they grew up "pleading the blood of Christ" and "asking for forgiveness" and walking in "fullness" and "living in grace" and even praying, without ever thinking what those things actually mean. They get the rough idea in their head and go with it. But when the proverbial number two hits the fan, they fall back on a loosely based beleif system. "Why the hell did my mom get cancer?" or "Whys dad dead?" can throw a rock through glass faith. And a decision you make, or beleifs you have that have not been thought out as to what you are actually doing, or actually beleiving, crumble when trouble comes. Been there.
End Tangent.

Back to me at church. So I realized how jaded I am. I didn't even want to listen to the guest speaker because he was talking about "financial freedom" and stuff like that. And I have huge issues with the church and money... that I won't get into now. I have about twenty walls up between me, and God using my church to speak to me, and to work in me. I'm fine with the Holy Spirit doing things. He can work in my spirit during worship, and speak through my friends, and my pastors just fine. But, when the pastor, or guest speaker, is just really cheesy, or is little...off, or I just don't agree with, or I feel im on the other side of the body than him, (like the toes in the body of christ, and he's the frigging hair or something.) well, just forget about me listening to God speak through that. Cause I just won't let that happen. And I see this as BAD. This is trouble. I realize that God gave me a brain that likes to think everything through, and thats who I am. But when I get snobbish and start picking and choosing what I'll accept as a worthy messanger of God's Word... well I can go too far.

I was at the book store with Andy today and we were looking at all the christian books n stuff. Well I see this Joice Meyer book, and I say to him "look at this! She called her book Knowing God intamately! I mean, Its obvious shes ripping off J.I. Packer! Goodness gracious!" I glared at the book angrily. And andy says, "Tom, I think your taking this jaded thing a little too far, I mean, Not even I go that far! and I'm Andrew Russo!"

And thats a terribly good point. He is Andrew Russo. I'm out of control. I need to stop critisizing the church, and freaking participate. "Why pluck just one string? what good is just one note? Well, one note is fine I guess, but we were all once one notes." (aaron weiss)
To all the people I thought suck, I'm sorry, I'll put that down if you'll put up with me some more. There are far more important things to do that to critisize my fam for not being my style. Lets get to that.

"Why play one note, when you can strum the guitar?"

That the heathen should hear, and then know

Paul Ganguly: but hey, if anyone's gonna have a computer that can do that
Paul Ganguly: it'd be me
Paul Ganguly: or maybe jeff
Tom Lake: yes
Tom Lake: or mebbe the illigitimate child of both of your comps
Paul Ganguly: yes
Paul Ganguly: like zack's computer
Paul Ganguly: that one really is our computer's bastard child
Tom Lake: hahah
Tom Lake: i was thinking
Tom Lake: what if eve (eve being paul's old laptop), met jeff brices comp
Tom Lake: then the child would be PC/Mac inbread
Paul Ganguly: wow
Tom Lake: yea
Paul Ganguly: and that that child would grow up to birth the
antichrist, as a half computer, half man abominatory hybrid of malice
and cold, calculating reason and logic
Tom Lake: the only thing capable of awakening the seven headed beast
Paul Ganguly: and riding it forth to the city of god's chosen people
Paul Ganguly: that the battle may ensue
Tom Lake: where our Lord will decend from heaven riding a white horse,
and the sword from his mouth shall slay the armies of the world
Paul Ganguly: where eve will bring down her own spawn, whilst I fight
nobly alongside
Paul Ganguly: and you dj
Tom Lake: it wouldn't be right if i didnt
Paul Ganguly: indeed
Tom Lake: just so the world could see you tearing the enemy to peices
while a killer mix of Sigur Ros andRJD2 plays
Paul Ganguly: I mean, who are we to say that you shouldn't?
Paul Ganguly: indeed
Tom Lake: exactly
Paul Ganguly: whilst weilding the bastard child of a slegehammer and an axe
Paul Ganguly: and you, with hot cocoa and ancient vinyl disc in hand
Paul Ganguly: doth rock forth the phattest of beats, wherein also
doing battle with the most ghastly of foes
Tom Lake: yes, but i would fight one handed, the other holding my
headphones up to my right ear, making sure the daft punk beat matches
the verse of Talib Kweli in the house speakers
Paul Ganguly: the enemy would stand naked, confused, and utterly defeated
Tom Lake: questioning its very meaning for existing in front of such
rightous warriors
Paul Ganguly: and your neighbor shawn would spring forth, shouting malicious
battlecries, with enraged utterances of marshmallows and godzillas.
Paul Ganguly: and fell the beast, in one mighty swoop of his mightily
enchanted wooden spoon of unrivaled justice
Tom Lake: clutching rubber squids, and fisher price keyboards,
demolishing any semblance of decency within miles
Paul Ganguly: that the enemy would flee at his hand, their courage
dashed at the edge of his mighty hand
Tom Lake: drooling purified caffeine, he belches forth a cry not
unlike that of the Power Ranger Dino-Stego-Zord
Paul Ganguly: followed bravely by Russo, riding atop el toro
Tom Lake: his frazzled scarf blowing in the wind
Tom Lake: his immaculate hair never quivering
Tom Lake: his voice bellowing commands in latin, because he can.
Paul Ganguly: swinging his mighty, bull headed belt as a knight doth a flail
Paul Ganguly: and shouting words far too large for the enemy to hope
to understand
Paul Ganguly: driving the hordes to fall upon their own swords,
understanding that there be no means whereby to defeat such an
unparalleled force as us
Tom Lake: the women among the enemy ranks throwing themselves at him
in hopes that in the breif moments left in their life, his eyes might
fall apon them
Paul Ganguly: that they may die happily, knowing that they, for one
brief moment, incur the gaze of the mighty russo
Tom Lake: the men in the enemy ranks, for the first time in their
lives, see a vision of masculinity that eclipses their own to such a large
extent that their testosterone turns to butter within



Tom Lake: and
Tom Lake: we're done
Paul Ganguly: I have to drink a protein shake, take a few laps around
the block, and then take a nap after that one
Tom Lake: absolutely
Tom Lake: this was excellent
Paul Ganguly: amen
Paul Ganguly: amen good sir